Friday, September 12, 2008

Yesterday, Owen opened his eyes while I was talking to him and said "orange juice"! I obviously ran to get him some, and he did have the cup in his mouth for quite awhile, and swallowed a bit. I thought while he was awake that I would offer him some yogurt, as well. He did take two very small spoonfuls before he shut his eyes and went back to sleep. Ah, the small little triumphs that mean so much!
He has not been awake more than a few seconds today. I guess I should say he has not opened his eyes for more than a few seconds. I believe that he may be awake and listening more than he appears, but does not have the strength to open his eyes for long.

My dad is taking Anthony and Seth to see Cirque du Soleil tonight. Anthony has no idea that they are going-he is going to be so excited!! The tickets are 4th row in section 12, so it sounds like they will have awesome seats! I wish that I could go with them. It has been so difficult to give the two of them the amount of attention that they should be getting. They both do understand the situation, but it is so important to remember my other two children, both of Owen's brothers, as well. Even though they are not ill, they are obviously just as important to me as Owen is. I do try to spend time with each of them everyday, and let them know often that they are not forgotten. I will never be able to make up for the year and a half that I have lost with both of them. I really hope to be able to spend much more quality time with both of them in the future, and that people remember them and what they are feeling now, and the loss that they will experience.

An extended illness of a loved one is very trying. You begin to grieve all of the changes you see, then come to accept them. You grieve the child he once was, and what you know the future will bring, but you are also so thankful that you have been granted the time with the knowledge that the future with that person is limited, allowing you to do things you may not have done (for example Sesame Place, Strong Museum, Disney) and say things you may not have said. The knowledge that you will lose the person you love causes you to throw away those little things that used to bother you and cherish them along with every other moment you have left. I know people have said that they do not know how I do this. I am not any stronger than anyone else, I was simply handed this "card", if you will, so I am forced to adapt, as anyone else would given the same situation. I can't imagine losing a loved one suddenly, without being given the opportunity to create memories we would not have had, take a million pictures I may not have, without being given the opportunity to say goodbye. I can't imagine getting through that. Can't imagine being able to get through a miscarriage, or SIDS, or an accident...I can't imagine life without Owen, but I am thankful that I have had the chance to spend this time with him. To be able to care for him as I have. I can't imagine not having had that opportunity.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Jen you said it some time ago
"It cannot cripple love"
"It cannot shut out memories"
"It cannot silence courage"
Owen has been a "gift" and has changed many people.
He is my"special point guard" that no one will ever replace

Love Coach Dan