Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Today I found out that Owen's dog Mazy joined him in heaven, so he has a new, familiar playmate!  While I am sad to lose my dog (who was actually in Florida with Frank's parents after Owen passed away) I am glad that Owen is playing with her right now...I miss you, Frogger.  Now and always.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

It's getting closer to Owen's birthday.  I'm not quite sure how I am feeling about it-very mixed...I want to celebrate him and his life-I don't want it to be a sad thing, because being pregnant with him, giving birth to him and having him with me was one of the best things in my life, other than his two brothers.  He was so much fun, and I want to celebrate that-him, the wonderful person he was, the awesome times we had together.  However....obviously it will be a difficult day.  A day we should be spending with him, so very happy that he is with us, celebrating all of those things I listed above with him, letting him know how important he is to us, how much we love him and are glad he is with us... 
  Seth's stepgrandma passed away on Friday. Poor kid has dealt with more death than someone his age should have to.  Before she died, she said that she saw Owen and that he said he is doing good...I wish I could see Owen....I miss him so much-hugging him--he gave some of the BEST hugs!  His giggle--and the way his fuzzy little head felt against my face.
    Hope everyone has a fun new year's eve, and that 2009 holds more good times than bad.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

I hope that everyone has a happy holiday, wherever and however you are celebrating it this year.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

  I wish I had something profound to write, but I don't...I hate to keep writing things like "I miss Owen", which I do--incredibly...and "Cancer sucks", which it does...incredibly.  
   Our holiday celebrating is complete-we opened gifts at my parents house on Sunday, then returned home and opened gifts here.  We will visit Matt's family on Christmas Eve, then eat breakfast at my parents house on Christmas morning, my aunts in the afternoon.  I will finally get to see my cousins-one of whom has been in town for over a week and I have yet to see...
  I went Christmas shopping on Saturday and sobbed basically through the entire experience.  It started when I saw a booth fundraising for Essential Care-which is the children's version of Hospice that took care of Owen at the end...then there was a booth for Camp Good Days-at which point I got quite emotional while I was walking away. Then I went into Things Remembered to personalize the Make a Wish ornament they have, at which point I completely lost it....yeah-people thought I was a wacko!  Then I went into Hot Topic and they had adult size Power Rangers shirts...Owen would have loved it if I had had a my own Power Rangers t shirt, so i of course bought it and cried...

  i cry every night before bed...i sometimes feel like i am going insane---so much going on in so many facets of my life. i don't know what i am doing, don't know what is going on.  i wish i had the chance to have Owen all over again-to have him for one more healthy month so i could go and do all of the things with him that i wanted to do
  I will never forgive myself. no matter what anyone says, i could have been such a better mother for him and now i don't have the chance...

Saturday, December 20, 2008

I can't honestly say that I am looking forward to Christmas this year.  There is no excitement for me-I imagine it will be like any other day, except that I will get to see some members of my family that I do not normally get to see, and we will open presents.
  We are having our (5X10 sq ft) bathroom updated, and I was in there the other night looking at the bare walls and started crying, being hit with the fact that nothing that I do will ever fix what is really wrong. No matter how I try to pretty things up, it's just nothing more than a cover.
  I hate what cancer did to my son, what it has done to our family.  I hate that it affects children...that it affects anyone.
  Nobody should have to spend Christmas without their child...

Friday, December 19, 2008

Cancer sucks...

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Yesterday was my one month anniversary for starting back to work.  I thoroughly enjoy my job, and I must say that it has helped me to be back with the students.  
  There have been several invitations for memorial type services, which I have thus far declined to go to.  It's not that I want to pretend that everything is ok, it's just too raw, too difficult for me to consider going to right now.  I may go to one, but I will have to see how I am feeling. Anthony is at one at Children's Hospital tonight with his father (it is his night with him).  I got the invite yesterday, which was too soon for me to mentally prepare myself.
 I am a minimalist this holiday as far as decorations go. Typically, I really love to decorate the house, my classroom, etc.  All I am doing this year is putting up the tree at home.  The kids don't seem to mind. I think we are all kind of just doing what we can.
 There is an ornament that I put on the tree that I bought for our Christmas in July with Owen. It plugs into the light strand. It didn't fit into the lights that were on the tree Frank brought up, so Owen never did get to see it work at home.  It makes me incredibly sad to think that Owen did not have the chance to see it work on our tree.  
 Only 21 more days until Christmas. The magic seems to be gone this year. I am trying, I really am, but it is quite difficult sometimes...
  I do still see beauty in the world, and this whole situation has taught me to give less time and thought to things which now seem so insignificant. Again, not "sweating the small stuff"...

Monday, December 1, 2008