Thursday, October 23, 2008
Yesterday was two weeks since Owen passed. In so many ways, it seems impossible that two weeks has already passed since I last held my baby, but in others, it seems like a lifetime ago. What is most difficult is knowing that I am not able to hold him again, that I am not able to sit next to him and watch him breath, to sleep next to him and feel the warmth and perfect shape of his body next to me. Sleep is peaceless without him. My dreams have been unpleasant. And yet, I don't wish to "get over" this. My son is gone. He always will be missing from my life. I am incredibly grateful for the time I had with him, but so wish I could be with him, as my life is incomplete without him with me. How do I answer the question "How many kids do you have?" in the future? How do I sign cards? I cannot simply pretend he did not exist, that he is not still my child even though he is not physically present. I cannot deny him, nor would I want to.
Went to the zoo yesterday. I soo wished Owen had been with us. The Rainforest exhibit had not been open the last time he was able to go, and he would have loved it. Additionally, we were two of about 10 visitors there during the day, so we were able to spend quite a bit of time at the different exhibits, and were able to get right up next to the Apes, and ask questions to the zookeepers about the feeding times and procedures. (There is one male, 4 females, and he does mate with each of them, but they are on a human form of birth control, so they do not conceive. They are fed 6 times a day, 4 of which are mixed veggies, twice with biscuits which are commercially made. The biscuits are enough to sustain them-they have all of the nutrients, calories, etc that they need, but the gorillas are fed additional items to make meal times more interesting. Who knew??)
Owen would have loved all of it. He enjoyed animals, and learning things about them that he could impress other people with. For instance, Matt's mom and brother went to the Grand Canyon this spring, and his Mom brought back a stuffed condor for Owen and had Matt share the following information with him-#1-the average wingspan of a condor is about 9 feet (which we showed him on the floor) and #2-Condors urinate on their feet to keep cool. The last bit of info was the one he was most excited to share with people. He had a subscription to a magazine called "Zootles", which is a Zoobooks for younger kids and loved it!-It is phenomenal-I highly recommend it (and in fact, bought a subscription for my nephews for Christmas...shhhh!) They focused on one animal in each issue, and include letter recognition, numbers, stories, etc.
Another thing Owen would have loved about the last two days was the snowfall. Who doesn't love the first snowfall of the year? It is so peaceful and innocent. I am always amazed by it's beautiful silence. I have a black peacoat on which individual snowflakes can be seen with amazing detail, and we would love to look at the differences in each one as they landed and stuck to my coat. There is such beauty in things we often take for granted. I tried to see that, and to help Owen see that. Instead of cursing the snow, we would look for the amazing wonder of it-each individual crystal, and how many of those would it take to create that 7 feet of snow? The splendid colors of the leaves, the first flower bud peeking out in the spring...I believe in miracles, I believe in magic. It happens unnoticed around us each and every day.