Tuesday, October 7, 2008

I may not be writing for awhile. I don't even know what to say right now. I am not feeling so positive today. I have no inspirational words. I am sad, I am angry, and none of this makes any sense. I have done everything I felt was best for Owen and everyone.
His body is so thin, his skin integrity is absolutely horrible, there is just so much of him that is deteriorating. I am hoping he feels no pain, but how do we truly know? His morphine was increased today. I hope that he is at peace and comfortable.
How do people get through this? People say how strong I am, but my god, I sure don't feel that I am. I don't even know what else I can do to help him be more comfortable...nothing, I suppose, which in itself makes me feel like a failure as a mother. I am supposed to be able to comfort my children, especially when they are not feeling well.
He is still here. I am still able to touch him. Again, what am I going to do when I can't anymore? How does a mother hand her child over to someone, knowing that she will never, ever see him again?

4 comments:

Jackie said...

dear jen, you have every right to fell sad, and angry. and you are right none of this is fair. But you have no right to feel like a bad mom. you are any incredible mother. you have done every thing anyone could do for Owen. most importantly you are right there for him and he is home with you. his little body may be frail but he knows your there, and I'm, sure it givs him great comfort. comfort that only comes from mommy. he hears your voice, feels your breath, your kisses and rests in peaceful slumber in your embrace. The grief that you are feeling is as strong as the love you've always given him. that is why it hurts so much. in this time of horific emotional termoil, one thing you should feel good about is what kind of mother you are. you are an inspiration to us all. wishing you strength an much love jackie

KKennedy1976 said...

my thoughts are with you and your beloved family tonight and always. i look at my 10 month old son and feel so blessed. i have learned through the journey you've shared that i will never look at anything the same way. a sunset, fall leaves, baby birds. these things change and grow and come to pass. they touch our lives, our hearts and our souls. they connect us to this place and to each other. i know that owen has the best mommy ever and he knows it too. all the loving kisses and hugs. he knows you are there beside him. your familiar scent of comfort and love. please jen never for one moment believe that you are a failure as a mother. you make feel that way now because you are powerless against this horrible killer. any thoughts and feelings you are having are valid and right for the moment. i wish i could answer your question. i have seen you ask it before. what are you going to do when you cannot touch him anymore? what are you going to do when he is gone? i look at my baby and hope and pray he never gets sick, not even a splinter. what do you do? maybe more of what you are doing here. reaching out for strength. opening your heart and releasing pain, anger, confusion, rage. i will be here for you when you need me.

pamberrie1969 said...

Jennifer, my heart is breaking for you right now. I wish I knew just the right thing to say, but words escape me. You and the boys are never far from my thoughts and are always in my prayers. I love you. Pam

The Winney Family said...

I don't know what to say, except that for the few weeks Ive been reading about you and Owen and the boys, you are an incredible person and Owen is so lucky to have you as a mom. I'm sure he knows you are there with him and that's the best you can be right now. Please give him a kiss for me, even though I've never met him, I have seen his pictures with Seth, and I can't imagine how you feel. I only have one son and my two daughters and I feel stupid crying about my son going off to college when I think about what you are going through. My thoughts and prayers are with you and the boys. And you truly are an inspiration to all of us, don't you ever think your not.

Love, Danielle and Shannon Winney