I wish I had something profound to write, but I don't...I hate to keep writing things like "I miss Owen", which I do--incredibly...and "Cancer sucks", which it does...incredibly.  

   Our holiday celebrating is complete-we opened gifts at my parents house on Sunday, then returned home and opened gifts here.  We will visit Matt's family on Christmas Eve, then eat breakfast at my parents house on Christmas morning, my aunts in the afternoon.  I will finally get to see my cousins-one of whom has been in town for over a week and I have yet to see...

  I went Christmas shopping on Saturday and sobbed basically through the entire experience.  It started when I saw a booth fundraising for Essential Care-which is the children's version of Hospice that took care of Owen at the end...then there was a booth for Camp Good Days-at which point I got quite emotional while I was walking away. Then I went into Things Remembered to personalize the Make a Wish ornament they have, at which point I completely lost it....yeah-people thought I was a wacko!  Then I went into Hot Topic and they had adult size Power Rangers shirts...Owen would have loved it if I had had a my own Power Rangers t shirt, so i of course bought it and cried...

  i cry every night before bed...i sometimes feel like i am going insane---so much going on in so many facets of my life. i don't know what i am doing, don't know what is going on.  i wish i had the chance to have Owen all over again-to have him for one more healthy month so i could go and do all of the things with him that i wanted to do

 

  I will never forgive myself. no matter what anyone says, i could have been such a better mother for him and now i don't have the chance...