his birth:
…and then my world was complete. I realized that all of the other things I had wanted in my life, that were my life, were merely that—things. I promised myself that from this precise second on, my mind will no longer be consumed by thoughts of the things I do not have that a friend or neighbor does. I will look upon your charming face and recognize that, as long as I have you, even if I have nothing, I have everything.

and death:
I both hear and feel it when you take a breath-shallow and quick. Your cough is only a sound, your body to weak to move a bit. I remember reading that when babies are born too early the benefit of having the mother hold their child skin to skin encourages the health of the baby and decreases the mortality rate. It’s called "Kangaroo Care". You and I used to sleep in the recommended position: tummy to tummy, head in between the breasts. The baby's head is turned so that the ear is above the parent's heart. You are no longer able to be in that position comfortably, so instead I place my arm under your shirt, your stomach warm on my skin. I try to believe that, as a wanna be wallaby, my skin against yours will grant me a few more days, hours, minutes with you, because I don’t know what I will do if it doesn’t….

Some days there won't be a song in your heart. Sing anyway. ~Emory Austin

I have been lucky to have my dreams filled with Owen as of late! Last night, I dreamt that I was taking him to the zoo. The best part of the dreams, however, is that I have the knowledge that he is gone, so I absolutely take full advantage of the time I am spending with him in my dreams-extra hugs and kisses and "I love you" s. Feeling the weight of his body on mine as he lays across me, as he did each night when he was here with me, the feel of his fuzzy head against my cheek and lips--it's all there in my dreams.

Have you read the book "My Sister's Keeper" by Jodi Picoult? It's one of my favorites.  I read it before Owen's journey with cancer...hits home harder now, obviously. It's about a family with two daughters. One has leukemia. The other was conceived to be a bone marrow donor for her sister.  When that daughter reaches 13, she decides that she no longer wants to be the pin cushion and donor for her sister and sues her parents for the rights to her body, with potentially fatal results for her sister.

  The book has been made into a movie that is being released in June.  I am sure that it will be phenomenol.  Jodi's books have all been books that really force you to ask questions of yourself and question what you believe.  I hope that the movie does the book justice.  If I taught high school English, I would love to have the book included in my curriculumn.   

  Keep Owen's smile in your thoughts--I always do!

   I was reading back through my calendar yesterday, and was amazed by the amount if days that Owen spent in the hospital. It was not rare for him to go into the hospital on a Friday for chemo, expecting to leave on Sunday or Monday, only to have to stay for an additional week or more due to blood counts, or infections, etc, etc...

  I have many things of Owen's saved.  I have some clothes, toys, and books. I am not able to get rid of those. If I ever have more children, I would want to share them with them. Additionally, when I have grandchildren, I would want to do the same-read them his favorite books, show them his toys, etc. 

  I wish he were here to tickle! I listened to one of his favorite CD's in the car yesterday and sang along.  How much fun we all had dancing and singing along with Bear in the Big Blue House!!

  Rain today.  The perfect day to watch movies and read, waiting for the rainbow!